Monday, March 15, 2010

Horror Hospital (1973)

Directed by Antony Balch
Written by Antony Balch and Alan Watson

Rated R for violence and nudity.

"Horror Hospital" is part of a British Horror four movie box set I recently purchased. Other films in the set include "Curse of the Voodoo", "Inseminoid" and "Tower of Evil" (reviews still to come).

"Horror Hospital" stars Michael Gough as the demented Dr. Storm, who runs a health resort/hospital that "cures" its patients by lobotomizing them, turning them into brain-dead zombies. Gough is a veteran actor and has been in countless movies. Most notably, Gough was Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred in the Batman films of the 80's and 90's. While Gough's performance in "Horror Hospital" is nothing particularly special, it is interesting to see such a skilled actor in such a ridiculous b-movie.
The film opens with Dr. Storm sitting in an idling limousine with his midget servant, Frederick. As we watch, a young man and woman with bandaged, bleeding heads runs out of the woods. Dr. Storm guns the limo, pursuing them. On Dr. Storm's command, Frederick pulls a lever that causes a large blade to jut out of the side of the limo at neck-level, instantly decapitating the two escapees and catching their heads in a conveniently-placed canvas sack. That's right, folks; a decapitating limousine, the new standard of excellence for wealthy sociopaths.
Jump to London, where Jason Jones (Robin Askwith) sits dejectedly in a smokey night club. Jason looks like a mean, British, hippie version of Mark Hamill. He gets into a brief fistfight with a transvestite over a song that he says the tranny's band stole from him. When the tranny beats him (it's embarrassing to be overpowered by a man in a curly platinum wig and lipstick), Jason finds a group of his friends to comfort him. One of Jason's friends looks like an evil John Lennon. If you watch the film, you'll know who I mean. To make a long story short (too late for that) Jason's friends suggest he goes on a "hairy holiday" they see advertised through a travel agency. Jason agrees he needs some time away from the music scene, and embarks for a holiday in the British countryside.
On the train, Jason meets Judy (Vanessa Shaw), a quiet girl who he clumsily attempts to charm ("Don't worry. I'm not going to rape you."). Oddly enough, Jason's abrasive personality apparently rubs Judy the right way. Realizing they're going to the same place, they become travel companions.
When they arrive at Storm's hospital, they sit down to eat dinner with dozens of other young hippies who have already received the "Storm" treatment. They are pale, silent and expressionless, and each sports a fresh surgery scar on their left temple. Jason and Judy are immediately put off by the hospital and its catatonic patients, but Judy's creepy Aunt Harris (who is also Dr. Storm's assistant) tells them the hospital grounds are already closed for the evening and there's no way out. Jason and Judy decide to stay the night and make the best of it. In classic 70's horror movie style, making the best of it means having sex. Lots of sex. Afterwards, the pair decide to snoop around the hospital grounds a bit, and are horrified to discover that Dr. Storm is actually lobotomizing his patients to make them thoughtless drones.
As Jason and Judy struggle to find a way out of the hospital, bodies begin piling up. The travel agent who referred Jason to Dr. Storm wants more money for his services, so Storm has him decapitated. Aunt Judy tells Storm she won't help him with any more demented surgeries, and she gets attacked by a giant, melting flesh-monster. It seems anyone who crosses Storm comes to a bad end. He even has an army of ineffectual, unarmed guards in helmets who look like gay motorcycle enthusiasts. Dr. Storm's "Storm troopers" can't have been chosen for their strength, because they are constantly being overpowered by weak-looking hippie teens. Good thing they were wearing their helmets.
Jason and Judy are soon joined by Abraham (Kurt Christian), who is looking for his runaway girlfriend Millie. Unfortunately for Abraham, Millie has already received Dr. Storm's treatment, and is already a mindless slave. Terrified and desperate to escape, the three hippies make their way through Dr. Storm's hospital of horrors, discovering along the way the terrible secret behind Storm's psychotic surgeries
I give "Horror Hospital" a 7.5/10. I should say right up front that "Horror Hospital" is a terrible movie. If you're looking for a cinematic masterpiece, look elsewhere. Having said that, it's (perhaps unintentionally) one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen. From the decapitation limo to Frederick the creepy midget, there's no lack of campy fun. There are also plenty of decent nude scenes (even some rare 70's male nudity) for discerning pervs and pervettes. While the story is patently ridiculous, there are actually some genuinely creepy images in this film, and the cinematography is at times surprisingly good. Watch this film with a six-pack of cheap beer and friends who appreciate low-brow humor.













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