Skeleton Man (2004)

Directed by Johnny Martin
Written by Frederick Bailey

Rated R for violence and brief language, as well as just being a horrible film.

"Skeleton Man" is part of a horror film 4-pack I bought last year. It is without a doubt one of the worst horror films I have ever seen.

The premise is that a Native American warrior went bat-shit insane and slew his whole tribe. Then, as a supernatural ghost in a polyester cape and cheap Halloween mask, the Skeleton Man terrorizes the worst actors in Hollywood. The first time I watched this, I was half-convinced that it was actually an elaborate ironic satire on bad filmmaking. Upon rewatching it, I realized that it's just a uniquely terrible film.

What made this film worth chuckling at for me is that it's so badly done that most first-year film students could do better. As a filmmaker myself, I puzzled at the terrible editing choices again and again. Half a dozen times throughout the film, I noticed areas that looked unfinished in terms of editing. The title animation looks like a failed demo of crappy 90's CG blood effects. At one point, instead of showing a clip of the moon, they inserted a grainy still-frame of the moon. You know filmmakers are lazy when they intersperse low-quality still photography instead of getting a five-second shot of the moon.

If the bad editing weren't enough, the story is comically bad. After the Skeleton Man attacks some archeologists digging up Native American artifacts, he terrorizes workers at a chemical plant, and then takes out a team of special forces soldiers. There is no attempt made whatsoever to connect these scenes other than that Skeleton Man is in all of them. What they establish in terms of plot (other than a lack thereof) I have no idea.

A second team of soldiers is called in, and for some reason, the back-up team incomprehensibly consists of mostly attractive girls. As the characters are introducing themselves, titles pop up on-screen to further introduce them. It's redundant and sloppy. The character says "Hi, I'm Davis. Underwater Demolition Specialist," and as she's speaking, the words "Davis - Underwater Demolition" pop up below her. There is no reason to use titles to introduce characters EVER. And if you do, there is even less reason to have the characters verbally reiterate something the title has already told us. I am confused as to why Davis was brought on the mission at all. There are no bodies of water featured in Skeleton Man.

After quite a bit of awful dialogue amongst the "soldiers" (I can't even type it without using quotation marks), the team begins to sweep the area of forest where the first team disappeared. They quickly encounter an old, blind Native American who tells them the myth of the Skeleton Man in exchange for a can of army surplus beans, which he eats cold as he speaks. I am not Native American, but I am offended on their behalf by their sordid representation in this film. It is clear to me that no self-respecting Native American will ever be able to watch this film without shedding a single tear. The Skeleton Man fights with a spear, a bow and arrow, an inappropriately medieval-looking broadsword, and a giant spear, each of which he appears to have stored in his rectum because he just whips these giant weapons out of nowhere at a moment's notice. He rides around on a horse wearing a polyester cape and a cheap Halloween mask. I have always had a deep hatred for any film that uses cheap rubber masks instead of make-up effects. I'm pretty sure you can buy the "Skeleton Man" mask at Fred Meyers for about 10$ around Halloween-time. Not that you'd want to.

Finally, the Skeleton Man begins picking off the "soldiers" one by one. He appears at random out of bad CG vortex-like ripples in space, which seems more science fiction than ghostly to me. He kills most of the group without much effort, eventually narrowing it down to Lt. Scott (the attractive Sarah Ann Schultz) and Captain Leary (Michael Rooker, the recipient of an infamous "chocolate covered pretzel" in Kevin Smith's "Mallrats"). Leary spends the rest of the film trying to blow the living shit out of the Skeleton Man with his seemingly endless supply of explosives.

I give "Skeleton Man" a 3/10. My ongoing quest to watch and review movies sure does lead me to some strange places. I'm sure there's some film out there worse than "Skeleton Man", but I haven't found it yet. The death scenes are so over-the-top that they're occasionally funny (like when the Skeleton Man hits one of the "soldiers" so hard that he does a backflip), but there are thousands of better films to watch. The only way I can recommend this film is if you are a struggling amateur filmmaker and want to feel better about your chances of directing a big Hollywood movie. If some studio let Johnny Martin use their money to make this terrible, laughable film, then there's a chance for all of us.

Buy "Skeleton Man"? (I wouldn't if I were you!)













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